Building a Better Crab Boat

As all you know, I am a master pick-up artist, unrivaled in the art of seduction.

That said, every now and then, I feel trapped by this label. Sure, I can walk into the best bars and clubs and leave an hour later with my arms around the best looking women, but do those women really appreciate me for who I am inside, or are they merely under the spell of my devastating charm and charisma?

Ultimately, it is advantageous for all individuals to ask questions like these. Self-rumination leads to a better understanding of oneself, and the better you understand yourself, the better you understand all of humanity. Questioning that which you sometimes take for granted leads to enlightenment. And the enlightened mind has an advantage over all others, simply because occasionally we can become blind to our own flaws. We do something so often and for so long that it eventually becomes commonplace, and it remains just successful enough for us to never once consider changing that habit. And maybe there's no need to. But, every now and then, just outside our peripheral vision, there's a better solution to the problem. All we need to do is look a little closer.

Which brings me to the point of this post. I warn you, it doesn't really have anything to do with meeting beautiful women or driving them to the heights of passion. But it is something I've needed to get off my chest for a few weeks now, ever since I watched a Deadliest Catch marathon on TV a few Sundays ago…

Crab boats should be safer. And I have a few ideas for how to make them so. Once these changes are implemented, the show can officially be renamed Moderately Exciting – but Definitely Not Deadly – Catch. So here goes:

1. Apparently, people get knocked off these boats by waves all the time and get sucked out to sea. Which is why, on the ultra-safe crab boat I'm designing, we will have eight-foot high fencing along both sides, with a small sliding door on both sides that can be opened when it's time to drop some cages into the water or pull them out. Should a giant wave come along while the men were hard at work, it might knock them over. It might fling them against the fence. But no longer would they tragically get swept away to their deaths.

2. Admittedly, while the fence will save countless number of lives, it's still not foolproof. What if a fifty-foot wave came out of nowhere and tipped the boat on its side? Well, I'm glad you asked. All of the fishermen on the deck will be tethered to the boat using bungee cords. These will clip harmlessly onto their belts and allow them a full range of motion at all times. But, should they somehow managed to get tossed overboard despite my brilliant fence idea, they'll still be connected to the boat, and they can be pulled in with ease.

3. Another everpresent danger on the deck of a crab boat is the giant cages that are always swinging around at the end of the crane. On television, these cages look to be about eight feet wide and eight feet tall and, even when empty, might weigh close to two hundred pounds. Needless to say, this isn't safe for anyone. If you and your deckmates are dropping those cages into the water in a vicious storm and you get clipped with one that's swinging around, you're knocked clear across the boat, often mumbling to yourself, "Geez, it's a good thing that fence was there… otherwise, I woulda been knocked into the water." Which is why my new generation of crab boat will eliminate those cages. Instead, we will use high-strength steel netting. A salt-based pole will be placed inside the net before it enters the water. This will hold it open and allow the crabs access. However, after 24 or 48 hours or whatever, the pole will dissolve and the net will envelope the crabs inside. When pulled back into the boat, the fishermen must merely dump the crabs, then toss the pliable, lightweight net into a pile. No longer will all boats need giant stacks of cages at the start of their trip. They will merely need a nice little pile of nets.

4. I'll admit, this fourth suggestion might not be feasible quite yet. But, with an eye toward the future of crabbing, I feel that all captains should examine the possibility of eliminating the crab boat entirely, to be replaced with, you guessed it, submarines with crab-sucking vacuum arms. This way, the crew would be completely enclosed at all times, eliminating virtually all danger, and the crabs could efficiently be sucked off the ocean floor, into the submarine and sorted.

And there you have it. You're welcome, crab-fishing industry.