Nice Guys vs. Jerks

While I was checking the Twitter (as the kids call it) earlier this evening, feverishly awaiting the next post from Ashton Kutcher, I happened to notice a link to the eHarmony.com blog, where they dissect many age-old relationship issues. In a post dated August 21, 2008, they ask the question, "Do Nice Guys Really Finish Last?" and I feel as though it is my duty as a certified relationship expert to offer my take.

While I lost interest in the article in question halfway through the first paragraph because of a lot of big words, so I'm not entirely sure what their point was, here's my opinion, and it is one of the main ideas of the How to Meet Broads system: Nice guys don't finish last. But little pansies who don't stand up for themselves do.

Once upon a time, men were cowboys and soldiers, dockworkers and bare-knuckle boxers. They drank and smoked and ate steaks dripping with the blood of a freshly-slaughtered cow. They conquered opposing tribes. They harnessed the power of fire. They build pyramids, then castles, then skyscrapers, all as monuments to their own greatness. And they never once stood in a fucking department store trying to pick out a goddamn bathmat.

These days, the male race, by and large, has been figuratively castrated. Blame psychology for encouraging men to not only have feelings, but to openly discuss them. Did John Wayne have unresolved mother issues? Hell no. Blame the combination of capitalism and technology for putting most men in a cubicle for nine hours a day, where they waste away typing up expense reports. Did John Dillinger spend his time emailing expense reports to his post-menopausal regional manager? Absolutely not. Blame American affluence and the health food movement of the Eighties for turning a large number of normally-heterosexual men into non-smoking, tofu-eating, Diet Fanta-drinking wusses. Did Ulysses S. Grant ever look out over a battlefield while sipping a glass of toxin-clearing pomegranate green tea? No fucking way.

Society has, in its genuinely noble effort to advance and prolong life, created a race of men who are, in truth, men by name only.

But humans remain animals and, as animals, our sole reason for being alive is to reproduce. Certainly, we have evolved as a species and will continue to do so, but as much as we've attempted – and, for the most part, succeeded – in the art of repression, we are still ultimately driven by our simple, reptilian brains and its animalistic impulses. Thus, what we are attracted to is a part of the genetic code that keeps humanity alive. This is why men will always naturally be drawn to the female with the ideal breast-to-waist ratio, indicating that she might be good for breeding. And what do women want, regardless of whether or not they consciously realize it?

Dudes.

Strong-willed, decisive and proud, dudes are the modern-day equivalent of the protectors of the tribe. Once upon a time, dudes killed wooly mammoths to provide food. They built thatch huts to provide shelter from the elements. 

These days, dudes drink beer and watch football with their male friends. They can fix cars, grill steaks and connect stereos. They don't fight, but if push came to shove, they would stand up for what's right. They would protect those to whom they are loyal at all time. They're smart enough to get by and strong enough to pick up a woman, carry her across a room and toss her onto the bed. 

In addition, dudes don't wax their chest. Or any other parts of their body. They don't cry a bit at the end of The Notebook. They don't talk about how much their shoes cost. Dudes don't go antiquing, and they don't own dogs that weigh less than thirty pounds.

Like the cowboys from whom they are descended, dudes are independent by nature and won't take shit from anyone, male or female.

The wussification of male culture is gradually killing the dude, but women, whether they choose to accept it or not, are naturally drawn to them. 

Nice guys don't finish last. 

Weak, sensitive pansies do.

The Rules of Engagement

I was hanging out with friend at a bar a few weeks back and a girl gave him her number. Obviously, he was thrilled, as anyone would be in that situation. I told him to call her the following night around eight o'clock and invite her out (because we already had a big group drinking thing planned). Instead, he listened to the advice of a mutual female friend of ours and sent the girl a horribly pathetic text message instead. He never heard back from her. So, for his sake and for the sake of every guy who ever blew a potentially good thing because they have no clue how to effectively go about transitioning from talking to a chick in a bar to waking up next to her, allow me to present the official How to Meet Broads rules of engagement.

The Initial Conversation
Okay, you're in a bar. You're talking to a girl. Things are going well. There's a natural rhythm to the conversation, and she seems to be genuinely interested in whatever it is you're telling her. Once she starts telling you a story about her pet cats or her favorite pair of shoes, you take the opportunity to let your mind wander, and you can't help but look into the future. Sure, you've just met this girl, but she's cute and fun and, you know, you certainly wouldn't mind hooking up with her. Sure, she doesn't seem particularly slutty, so you might have to put in some work before you can get her into bed, but you're willing to do what you've got to do. And then, a few weeks or months down the road, maybe you'll be waking up next to her on lazy Sunday mornings. Maybe the two of you will go shopping at Home Depot, then Bed, Bath and Beyond if there's time. Maybe you'll order pizza in the early evening and watch movies on the couch, her fingers intertwined with yours. Sure, you've just met this girl, and you hate to get so far ahead of yourself, but the snap judgments we make tend, more often than not, to be right, so why deny it? You wouldn't mind dating her.

While you should always angle to take a girl home with you the first night you meet her, rarely does that actually pan out. So you'll need to get her contact information. And, while it's natural to have a fear of rejection, women will generally give out their phone number and/or e-mail address to just about any guy who isn't a complete douche. As far as they're concerned, they can simply ignore any phone calls, text messages or e-mails if they so choose. Which is why, in the course of the first conversation, you should always find an innocent reason that you absolutely, positively need to get in touch with her.

A few years back, I was sitting alone at a bar on a Monday night. At some point, a cute little brunette came in and sat in the stool to my right. When her friend started talking to some guy, the brunette quietly sipped her wine and flipped through the pages of a book she'd brought with her. I waited a minute or two, then asked what she was reading. I don't remember what she said because I was mind-bogglingly drunk, but she and I got to talking about various contemporary authors. She mentioned a book that she'd read recently that I'd never heard of, but as she continued to insist that it was brilliantly-written, I said that I'd check it out and, once I was finished reading it, give her my comprehensive review. She gave me her number and I said I'd be in touch.

By the following morning, because I'm a drunken idiot, I'd forgotten the name of the book she'd mentioned. So, after work, I drove down to Barnes & Noble and, as I perused the fiction section, futilely looking for anything that rang a bell, I called her. I got her voice mail and explained my predicament. Two minutes later, she called back and reminded me of the title of the book and the name of the author. I thanked her and told her I'd give her a call when I was done.

I burned through that five-hundred page fucker in two days and, when I reached the end of the last page a little after midnight on Wednesday of that week, I sent the girl a text message telling her that I was done. The following afternoon, a few text messages were exchanged and, that night, she and I met up for drinks. And we did discuss the book briefly, but I assume that she and I both knew that the whole book thing was merely an excuse I used to hang out with her. Back at her place that night, there was a little bit of kissing and, long story short, I ended up dating her for a while. And it all began with that stupid book.

So, during any initial conversation with a girl, as soon as you get the sense that you'll eventually be calling her and trying to get her into bed, you should plant some proverbial seeds that will make her more likely to return your call, because while most women are fun and outgoing when they're out drinking with their friends, many of them revert back to being guarded and prudish the following morning, once the alcohol has worn off. Thus, the chances of a sober woman responding to your standard, "Do you wanna get together for drinks?" are approximately thirty percent. But the chances of her responding to "Hey, what was the name of that John Cusack movie you mentioned?" are roughly eighty to ninety percent.

To sum up, during that first conversation, plant the seeds. It will help immensely down the road, when you're trying to plant some other seeds...

How Long to Wait
One of the most-frequently debated topics in the Art of Seduction is how long one should wait before contacting a girl. Centuries ago, two days became the industry standard. Some people like to keep a girl on edge and wait three days. In Swingers, Double Down Trent waits six days. Here's my advice: It doesn't matter.

As long as you're not calling her at three AM the night you met her, and as long as you're not waiting until two months later, it simply doesn't matter how long you wait. Every situation is different, and you need to play it by ear.

Perhaps you met a girl at a bar on a Friday night, and you want to stay fresh in her mind. In that situation, there's absolutely nothing wrong with making contact the next day. Call her up late on Saturday afternoon or early evening, before she has the chance to make other specific plans, and invite her out for drinks.

Perhaps you met a girl on a Saturday evening, and you had a great conversation. As long as you're sure she'll remember you, you can get away with waiting until the following Thursday, at which point you'll track her down and make plans to do something that weekend.

When it comes to how long one should wait before making contact, the only rule is that there are no definite rules.

Methods of Contact
You've got a girl's number. You're interested in her. Now, all you have to do is make contact. And, in this day and age, while text messaging has become completely acceptable, I still like the old-fashioned phone call. The reason for this is two-fold:

1) It provides you with options. Let's say you call her up. If she answers, great. If you get her a voicemail, leave her a message. Maybe she'll get back to you, or maybe she won't. But even if she doesn't respond to your voicemail, you can still come back with a casual text message a few days later. If you start out with a text message and she doesn't respond, you've got nowhere to go from there. You can't go from text message to phone call. And what kind of loser will send a second text message after they got no response to the first one? So start with the phone call and work your way down the ladder.

2) You demonstrate that you're not afraid of her. A woman is like an octopus. She can smell fear. If a woman thinks you're too shy to dial her up and talk to her, you've already lost. Through your phone behavior, show her just how awesome you are. Show her that you've got the cojones to call up a girl. Watch any Penn State football game (or any Penn State player in the NFL). When the team scores, the player casually tosses the ball to the ref and jogs off the field. You'll never see a Penn State player spike a ball, or dunk it over the crossbar, or do a complex dance celebration. You know why? Because, for fifty years, Joe Paterno has been telling his players, "Act like you've been there before." So, while it's natural to be somewhat nervous when you're calling a girl, act like you've done it before. She'll respect the fact that you're not a socially-awkward pansy.

What to Say
Once upon a time, a male would meet a female. He would charm her and she would give him her phone number. He would proceed to call her and ask her if she was interested in going on a date with him, and she would say yes and, a few days later, he would hop into the driver's seat of his '49 Mercury, cruise over to her house while the electric sounds of Bill Haley & the Comets blare from his tinny AM radio, and he would go up and knock on the door and she would answer, smiling, and he would hand her the bouquet of flowers he'd purchased for her earlier and then the two of them would drive down to the local soda shop and have some cheeseburgers and milkshakes.

It doesn't work like that anymore.

We're a fast-paced culture these days. No one has the time or the desire to commit to spending two hours eating a meal or watching a movie with someone who they don't know and, quite possibly, will quickly find to be obnoxious. These days, only a fucking retard calls a girl and says something like, "Gee, would you like to go to dinner with me sometime?"

The better approach is to call up a few friends and arrange to meet up at a bar some evening. Once that's in place, call the girl. If she answers, make some some talk before extending the invitation. If you get her voicemail, no problem. Just say something like, "Hey, it's [your name], from [name of bar where you met her] the other night. Some friends and I are going to [name of bar] tonight/tomorrow night/whenever, so you should round up your entourage and come on by. I'll see you then. Cheers."

That right there is the perfect voicemail. I've been fine-tuning it for nearly a decade, ever since I first started meeting girls in bars. It works because, in the course of some fifteen or twenty seconds, you convey several important aspects of your personality...

1) You're fun and casual. You're not putting any pressure on her, or yourself. You're just inviting her to come hang out for a few drinks. No big deal. People love hanging out and drinking.

2) You have friends. You're not some freak who spends most of his time in his basement painting scale models of Star Wars characters.

3) You're nonchalant. Your plans aren't hinging on her. They're already in place. If she blows you off, she'll be missing out on a potentially good time and you'll be moving on to the next girl. Her loss.

4) You're confident. You're not asking her to join you for a drink. You're telling her that she should join you. Despite the great strides that women have made in American society over the past forty years, that doesn't override millions of years of evolution. Males are still the more powerful half of our species, and women will always be aroused by a male who demonstrates dominance and control.

Second Contact
If you receive no response to your initial contact, don't despair. I won't sugarcoat the situation; if she was genuinely interested, she probably would've called you back, but you can still attempt to salvage things. Be aware, though, that while the conversion rate for the first contact is roughly thirty percent, that rate drops dramatically for the second contact. But, as long as your first contact was done via a phone call, you can still send a text message a few days later without sacrificing too much pride.

However, if she didn't respond to your first attempt to meet up with her in a social situation, she's probably not going to respond to a second attempt to arrange a pseudo-date. So, instead, you'll need to improvise. Remember that, despite recent scientific studies which have proven that men's brains are indeed thirty percent larger than the average female's, women still like to think that they're much smarter than their male counterparts, and feel that they are impeccably equipped to offer advice on virtually any subject. You can use this to your advantage.

Wait three or four days after your first attempt at contact. Around seven or eight PM, send her a text message in which you ask an innocent question designed to appeal to her instinctual maternal need to offer advice and guidance to dumb males.

Something like "I'm baking chocolate chip cookies and I think I threw away the recipe. You're a girl, right? How much flour am I supposed to use?"

Or "Some friends and I were arguing about this earlier: What was the name of Tiffany-Amber Theissen's character on Beverly Hills, 90210?"

Just be fun and whimsical. Maybe she writes back, maybe she doesn't. If she does, you can wait a day or two and try a phone call again. If she doesn't respond, you move on.

Moving On
Always remember, girls are weird. Perhaps she gave your their number just to be polite. Perhaps she liked the ego-trip you gave her by asking for her contact information. Perhaps she has a husband or a boyfriend or perhaps, once she sobered up, she just wasn't particularly interested in you. While you'll be tempted to be bummed out by her lack of response, don't be. The world's population is nearly seven billion. Approximately two billion of those people are under the age of eighteen. Another two billion are over the age of forty. That leaves three billion people between the ages of eighteen and forty, meaning there are roughly 1.5 billion potentially-available women in this world. 1.5 billion! And you're gonna let the actions of one flaky broad whom you barely know affect your mental health? If she fails to recognize that meeting you was the best thing that could've happened to her, to hell with her. She's obviously not worth your time.

After your second unsuccessful attempt to make contact, erase her from your phone and your consciousness, regroup and focus your energies on the other 1,499,999,999 viable vaginas on this planet.