How To Win (And Lose) Her With Gifts

[Note: Unless specified, the following advice pertains to those who are unmarried. Marriage brings a whole new level to gift-giving.]

Guys, I’m sure you’ve all had your fair share of enthusiastically (and, now, regretfully) giving gifts to a female, whether she was your girlfriend, “friend,” or the we’re-not-official-but-I-bring-her-around-when-my-frat-bros-are-in-town chick. The item you choose to give to that special someone isn’t always based on price, glamour, and luxury. As cliché as it sounds, it’s about thought. And timing.

Flowers, chocolates, rings, clothes, and puppies – these are five things that guys have the tendency to give, or think about giving, to women. They can make or break relationships, or even make or break relationships that don’t even exist (Does that even make sense? The last guy I dated thinks so). Therefore, plan very carefully when and how you decide to spend a little dough on your lady.

Flowers: They’re cute. That’s it. Just cute. Unless you flew to Peru, climbed a couple of mountains, and hand-picked exotic orchids yourself. In any other case, flowers should be given to a woman in two fashions:

1) As an unexpected surprise with no occasion attached. When a woman receives flowers, it’s a sign that you thought about her without any obligation. I once came home to an Edible Arrangement (Google it). It was not my birthday, nor was it an anniversary. In fact, the sender wasn’t even my boyfriend. Finding a bouquet of chocolate-covered strawberries, bananas, and pineapples at my doorstep – damn – that was pretty good game. Food goes straight to the my heart.

2) An accompaniment to a special occasion gift. If it’s your five year anniversary of being married, the flowers better come with two tickets to Boracay, or added as an ornament on top of a black-on-black M3. If it’s her birthday (no marriage involved), the flowers must come with a night on the town, dinner at her (or Kim Kardashian’s) favorite restaurant, and end with some hot, I mean hot, dessert at your place.

Flowers are also good pairings with graduation gifts. But whatever you do, don’t give your girl flowers in lieu of an appropriate apology. I mean, if I go out of my way to do my guy’s laundry and find a cheap green cotton Medium thong in the midst of his douchebag Ed Hardy t-shirts, don’t think it’s okay to go to the nearest freeway intersection and pick up a dozen roses to place on the kitchen counter. (What a moron to think I wear cheap lingerie).

Chocolates: Chocolates (as well as boxes of cookies, gourmet candies, etc.) are best when delivered to the workplace. Why? Think about it: Your lady is at her desk multi-tasking, finishing e-mails to her clients and shopping the shoe sale on Nordstrom.com. The receptionist intercoms her to pick up a package. When your girl returns, she doesn’t return to her desk. In fact, she runs to her female co-workers with a smile on her face, a box of chocolates which she shares with the excited office BFF’s, and every other female in the room jumps for joy, secretly envying your lady and wishing she had a guy like you about whom she can brag.

Rings: Though many females may disagree, I believe that a man should never give a woman a ring, unless it is for engagement purposes, wedding days, or celebrations within a marriage. Otherwise, she’ll get the wrong idea, and you’re only setting yourself up for failure. Quick rule of thumb: Each time you give a girl a gift, she will expect something bigger and better each time thereafter. If you give her a ring now, what will she expect later? A proposal? [shivers]

Clothes: Cashmere. Or small luxury pieces to go with the big luxury pieces that are already in her closet. Buy something that she desires, but would most likely not be a priority on her shopping list due to budget restrictions. For example, a solid color cashmere scarf with matching gloves (or the Burberry set at Neiman-Marcus) to go with all of her pea coats and purses would be adorable. But after shopping for others, thinking about taxes due in 2010, and daily LA valet expenditures, I definitely don’t have these items on my shopping to-do list.

Puppies: Solution: found. Okay, honestly, if you want a girl to fall in love with you, get her a puppy. Give her a puppy that will grow small enough to always fit in her Louis Vuitton Speedy 35. It worked on me.

Check it: As you know, a puppy is like a child. Basically, you and your lady will serve as parents and raise this expensive, high-maintenance four-legged fur ball, so don’t think you can give it to her and expect to never deal with it again. You must walk the little one when you’re around, offer to take it to the vet, and bring over some gourmet puppy snacks when you pick your lady up for a date. We all realize that a puppy is a huge responsibility, and you can’t just leave it at home at anytime at your convenience. Now, she may fall in love with you when you give her the pooch with a Swarovski collar around its neck, but you will quickly fall in her “Asshole” list on her iPhone when she realizes you have purchased it with ulterior motives. Don’t think that you can just buy your lady a dog to make her stay at home on Friday and Saturday nights to take care of it 24/7, while you’re out and about gallavanting with broads that lack the brains and beauty your girl possesses. (Fuck you, Wil! [also known as “Asshole 666”])

Generally speaking, a perfect gift will make your lady smile, make her girlfriends love you, and bring your relationship to a better place (at least temporarily).

Mary Beth Sales is the Founder and President of Marmar Public Relations, a Los Angeles-based company that focuses on fashion and entertainment, putting people and their talents in “The Scene.” When she isn’t dealing with celebrities, fashionistas, and LA valet runners, Mary Beth can be found at sports bars, where she watches Big 12 football and calls guys out if they approach her with bad game. Read more about her misadventures at MarUsedToLoveHer.com

Have You Slept With Tiger Woods?

This afternoon, Vivid Entertainment, the company that has produced many of America's finest pornographic films, announced that they will pay any of Tiger Woods' alleged mistresses one million dollars to star in a film which captures the essence of their relationship, only with presumably more girl-on-girl action.

Thus far, none of the women who have come forth (Rachel Uchitel, Jaimee Grubbs and Kalika Moquin) claiming to have been intimate with Mr. Woods since he's been married to the lovely and delightful Elin Nordegren have agreed to terms with Vivid.

Most likely, that's because, despite the fact that they've all proudly proclaimed that they are giant whores who are more than willing to sleep with a married man and then sell their stories to The National Enquirer, they have their principles. And starring in a porn movie evidently does not fit amongst their strict moral values.

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