How to Throw a Super Bowl Party

The sky was gray and the wind was howling on Sunday, but it was a beautiful day nonetheless, as we football fans were treated to a pair of immensely entertaining games in the AFC and NFC Championships. While fans of the Jets and Vikings -- plus every idiotic chick who roots for Brett Favre solely because he's so dreamy -- may be disappointed, this past weekend's winners (the Saints and the Colts) are high-scoring and evenly-matched and could potentially put on a Super Bowl for the ages. After waking up at the crack of 2pm, I made my way over to a local bar, where I rendezvoused with a gaggle of friends and, for seven solid hours, drank steadily and made sarcastic and occasionally-inappropriate comments about the players on both sides (a sidenote: I was unable to find any good tickets to this year's State of the Union address on stubhub.com, so I did not attend or watch it on television, but I wouldn't be surprised if President Obama referenced my end-of-the-night tab as evidence that the recession is over). The afternoon lived up to my belief that the Sunday on which the NFC and AFC title games take place is among the best sports days of the year, far better and generally more competitive than the actual Super Bowl, which tends to get drowned in hype and dissected ad nauseam by the painfully-long pregame shows  (although, admittedly, we are currently on a streak of two great Super Bowls in a row). But even if the actual game doesn't live up to its billing, Super Bowl Sunday is unique in that it presents the perfect opportunity to either attend or, even better, host a party.

How does this apply to meeting broads, you ask?

Well, despite what some may believe, the easiest way to meet new and interesting women who might be willing to one day sleep with you does not involve A) going out to a local club, drinking $6 Bud Lights and, over the pounding bass of the goofy techno music, trying to carry on a conversation with a girl who keeps getting distracted by the glowing specks of blacklight-illuminated dandruff on your shoulders. Or B) getting drunk in your studio apartment on a Tuesday night and unsuccessfully skimming the Women Seeking Men section on Craigslist, then jumping over to the Misc Romance category, then finally, out of sheer desperation, moving on to the dark and depraved Casual Encounters listings. Or C) gallantly leading the other members of your World of Warcraft party, one of whom you're pretty sure might even be a girl in real life, into the depths of Gnomeregan and heroically delivering the decisive fatal blow to Mekgineer Thermaplugg yourself.

Without a doubt, the best way to meet women is by building and maintaining a healthy social circle. With a large group of male and female friends and acquaintances, you will rarely find yourself with nothing to do on a weekend, you will never have to go to a bar alone and, if you play your cards right, you will have a constantly-evolving collection of friends-of-friends, a category which will inevitably include a handful of attractive women whom you might be able to sleep with and/or date.

To make a convoluted football analogy, developing a social circle that allows you to meet women is a lot like being the quarterback of a championship-caliber team. First of all, you're going to need to be behind a strong offensive line. This is your core group of friends, the ones whom you can count on to protect your blind side when you're dropping back to pass. Sure, they're probably not much to look at. Sure, they might each be in the neighborhood of 300 pounds. Sure, some of them may be sweaty or oddly hairy or faintly smell like salami at all times. But when push comes to shove, you're nothing without them.

Then you've got your tight end. This is your mildly obese female friend whom you've never considered sleeping with, which they adore you for because, through all of their devastating break-ups with other guys, you've always been there to half-heartedly console them, so if any other female were to inquire about you, they'd emphatically reply, "He's such a great guy." And your fullback, the nerdy guy you enjoy hanging out with despite his obvious flaws. He may have hands of stone, and his 40 time might be up around 4.8, but he too will speak glowingly about you were someone to ask, if only because you take the time to include him in your circle. While they might not get much credit, both of these are vital to any successful team.

Your real weapons, though, are at running back and wide receiver. These are your hot female friends, who make you look better just by being in your vicinity, and your male wingmen extraordinaire, those who fully understand the Male Code and will do everything in their power to help you in your carnal pursuits. The players at these positions may not be perfect -- perhaps the receiver has an over-inflated ego, or maybe the running back isn't a great pass-blocker -- but those imperfections are miniscule in the grand scheme of things, as these individuals are blindingly fast, graceful and devastatingly effective at putting points on the board.

And then there's your team's defense. This is your supporting cast. The people whom you see around frequently, but you probably aren't particularly familiar with. As the quarterback, the inner workings of the defense are mostly a mystery to you. They watch film separately from the offense, they practice separately from the offense... hell, they even sit at the other end of the locker room. Thus, you couldn't adequately describe their blitz packages or coverage schemes, but that's not your fault. It's just how the system works. By no means is your defense unimportant, however. They work diligently to hold the opposing offense's scoring to a minimum and give you a chance to win.

Combined, the players around you make you, the quarterback, look good. They put you in position to be the star. They catch your game-winning passes. They help you get on the cover of Sports Illustrated and rake in endorsement deals. And, when they're at the Pro Bowl, sitting at the hotel pool and sipping Courvoisier with a superstar receiver from another team (in this analogy, they're the hot friend-of-a-friend), they're pointing over at you and saying things like, "Hey, when you're a free agent after next season, you should really sign with us so you can catch passes from that guy. He's the best."

Next thing you know, that star receiver is agreeing to a contract with your team based on your teammate's glowing recommendation. Now you've got another talented weapon in your arsenal, your team continues to compete for championships and maybe, just maybe, you might be able to toss that new receiver a few deep balls or hit them in the slot. If you catch my drift.

Let's review: Do everything you can to build up a large social circle. Be friendly to everyone. Even if the people you meet directly are your type, perhaps one of their friends is your type. Or a friend of that friend. Never stop meeting people. Let your circle of friends continue to expand in concentric circles, like a spider web. Or a diagram of concentric circles.

And do you know what's a great scenario for A) hanging out with your existing friends, and B) meeting new ones?

That's right... a Super Bowl party.

Or, even better, a Super Bowl party at your house, one where you are the star host. And because I love to help, here are a few guidelines for putting together a successful Super Bowl party:

1) Begin inviting people at least a week before the game so that they have time to prepare accordingly. Start with the people you are closest to. Once they confirm their availability, you'll be able to say to others, "We're having a Super Bowl party at my place next weekend. Persons A, B, C and D are all gonna be there. You should come by." That way, you don't sound desperate for folks to show up. It's best to invite people in person, but there's nothing wrong with sending out invites via email or the Facebook as well.

2) Have beer readily available. Most decent people will bring a twelve-pack of whatever they like. Some will not. So have a reserve supply of something cheap, just in case. Bud Light or PBR, for instance. No need to get fancy. For a rough estimate of how much you might need, multiply the number of guests you're expecting by five beers apiece. So, if you think you might have ten people coming to your party, put fifty or so beers on a shelf in the fridge or in a cooler. Like a handgun, it's better to have it and not need it, than to need it and not have it.

3) The more food, the better. But don't go overboard with this one either. None of your guests have any right to expect fine dining. So if you're thinking you might have ten or fewer people at your party, just buy a few bags of pretzels and maybe some chips and salsa. If you're expecting more than ten, you may need to step it up a bit. Either plan on grabbing a few pizzas or firing up a grill before kickoff and cooking hot dogs and hamburgers during the first quarter. And the thing is, when a grill is easily-accessible, there's a good chance that someone will bring over some chicken or ribs and toss them on as well, which is an obvious benefit to all. And if any of your guests want to be picky (i.e. vegetarian), they can bring their own goddamn cous cous or whatever.

4) You have a television, right? You're definitely gonna want one of those. While, ideally, that television is a 65" 1080p plasma, that's not a necessity. As long as it's not the 13" combination TV-VCR that you've had since 1996, you'll be fine. And perhaps this goes without saying, but if you have multiple televisions, put the game on each one and position them strategically throughout your house so that, hypothetically, a guest could get up from your living room sofa, walk to the kitchen (if you can put a television in the kitchen, do so... the kitchen is the most social room of any house and your guests will inevitably congregate there), stand there for a few minutes eating a handful of cashews, step outside to smoke a cigarette and then return to the living room, all without missing a split second of Peyton Manning sitting on the bench, looking perturbed.

5) Speaking of benches, do everything in your power to make sure you have enough seating. Some people like to stand at parties. Most do not. Prepare to utilize every sofa, chair, ottoman, bar stool and milk crate that you have at your disposal. If the weather permits, put a few outside (along with a TV if possible) for the smokers. What's that? You don't smoke? And you don't particularly like the smell of smoke? And you don't really care about the needs of people who smoke? Guess what... you know who does smoke and would like someplace to sit when they do so? Chicks with oral fixations. So quit your whining and deal with the odor, Tinkerbell.

And that about does it. Enjoy your Super Bowl Sunday, dear readers. Make some new friends. You never know where it could lead. Above all else, have a fun-filled day of football and excessive drinking. I know I will. Especially if the Colts win by more than 5.5 but the total number of points stays under 56.5. Oh, and it wouldn't hurt if the opening coin toss was tails.

Cheers...