Refine Your Environment

One of the most overlooked aspects of the Art of Seduction is your home environment and what it says about you. Women are quick to notice the small details about your home or apartment. Do you have a collection of empty liquor bottles on the shelf and an Animal House poster over the television? To a woman, this indicates immaturity. Do you have a secret dungeon behind a bookshelf in your basement and a variety of unidentified meats in your freezer? Women will see this and view you as being untrustworthy. You see, perception is everything. Here are a few quick tips for finding and maintaining the perfect apartment for seduction...

Location, Location, Location
If you're in the process of finding a place to live, let me assure you: being within walking distance to a bar is vital. Short walking distance. Like six or seven blocks, max. Let's say you go out drinking. You spot a nice young lass. From across the smoky bar, your eyes meet. You pursue. She withdraws. She pursues. You withdraw. And so you dance. She eventually finds her way to the stool beside you. She orders a drink, whiskey. Your kind of woman. You light her cigarette and she coquettishly purrs, "Thank you." For hours you talk. At the end of the night, you invite her back to your abode. She smiles and her auburn hair shimmers in the moonlight as she nods. But if her feet are aching by the time you get there, she'll be much less eager to please. Always remember, women have trouble walking in heels when drunk, especially if you've given them chloroform.

Cleanliness
No one likes to go home with someone and discover in horror that their apartment is a dump and smells like a potpourri of cigarettes, Cheetos and cat urine. Keep your place clean. But not too clean. You don't want anyone to think you're gay or obsessive-compulsive. There needs to be a little bit of stuff around, just to remind visitors that, indeed, you are all man. For instance, I always leave one dish in the sink and a lone strategically-placed sock sticks out from under my coffee table at all times. Subconsciously, this lets women know that, not only am I ridiculously charming, but also that I can be rough and rugged when necessary.

Pets
Here is a list of the animals that you, as a single male, are allowed to own: manly dogs, fish, iguanas, scorpions.

The following are the animals a single male should never own: faggy dogs, cats, birds, snakes, tarantulas, hermit crabs, gerbils, hamsters, mice, anything else not covered in list one.

And, regarding the manly dogs on list one: Limit one. Anyone who has more than one dog is socially-awkward and probably has sex with said dogs.

Now, it should be noted that pets are not a necessity. I don't own any. What does this say about me? That I'm lazy, irresponsible and rarely home to take care of an animal because I'm fucking awesome and people love to invite me out drinking virtually every day of the week.

A Giant TV
This can be a double-edged sword. Fancy TVs immediately advertise the fact that a) you have money, and b) you have taste. Even if, as is the case with most men, neither is true. But women won't realize that until long after you've seductively led them into the bedroom, slipped off their clothes, fallen asleep on top of them and pissed yourself in the middle of the night. On the flip side, in my experience, women who are naturally couch potatoes will feel awfully comfortable just hanging out watching TV with you the following morning. As everyone knows, the proper etiquette in a drunken hookup is to hang out for maybe fifteen minutes, a half-hour tops, then slink out quietly, leaving behind your last shreds of dignity. So weigh the pros and cons of a big TV and decide accordingly if it is right for you.

For more advice on turning your apartment into a lair of seduction, read How to Meet Broads: A Comprehensive Guide to the Art of Seduction... Coming soon!