Evaluation

Los­ing your virginity.

Increas­ing your num­ber and/or qual­ity of sex­ual partners.

Find­ing a girl­friend or wife.

Learn­ing how to become a mas­ter seducer.

What do you feel is pre­vent­ing you from achiev­ing your dat­ing goals?

Fear of rejection.

Shyness.

Mother issues.

Dis­fig­ure­ment and/or genetic defects.

You’re at a bar. An attrac­tive girl across the room smiles at you. What do you do?

Go over and intro­duce yourself.

Send her a drink.

Smile back, but con­tinue talk­ing to your friends about the inad­e­qua­cies of the col­lege bowl sys­tem. Maybe you’ll chat with her later.

Freeze up. Spend the next hour think­ing of what to say to her, but come up with noth­ing par­tic­u­larly witty or clever enough. Go home alone and spend the remain­der of the night in your stuffy apart­ment, fling­ing empty beer cans at your flac­cid penis.

Just out of curios­ity, how many hours have you spent play­ing World of War­craft today?

None. That game’s for dorks.

None. But I’ll prob­a­bly play some later. My guild has a big raid sched­uled for tonight.

One to four hours.

More than four hours.

Do you drink?

All the time.

Socially.

Nope.

Do you smoke?

All the time.

Socially.

Nope.

A girl just gave you her num­ber. How long do you wait to call?

Two days. That’s the standard.

Six days. I like to keep ‘em wait­ing, just to let them know that I have other things going on in my life, you know? Even if, in real­ity, the aver­age night for me con­sists of sit­ting on my couch eat­ing Chee­tos and watch­ing Soapnet.

I’ll prob­a­bly never call. Hell, chances are it’s a fake num­ber anyway.

I could see it in her eyes that she def­i­nitely wanted me, so why deprive her? I’ll wait until I get home from the bar after last call, then I’ll call her up. Who knows? Maybe she’ll wake up and answer and I’ll talk her into com­ing over for some naked hijinks. And maybe she could pick up some pizza on her way.

Let’s say you’re alone in your apart­ment with a broad you’re try­ing to seduce. What music do you put on?

Barry White’s All Time Great­est Hits.

Dave Matthews Band’s Crash.

Prince’s Dirty Mind.

G.G. Allin’s Eat My Fuc.