Five Movies That Will Get You Laid

"I met a girl at a bar last weekend. Turns out she's from a few towns over from where I grew up in Ohio. She was cute and fun and, after talkign for an hour or two, we exchanged numbers. A few days later I invited her too come hang out with some friends and I at another bar. She stoped by for a bit and it went well, but it was a weeknight and she left kind of early because she had to work in the morning. So what should I do now? Should I take her out too dinner, or just stick too happy hour drinks? Thakns for your advice, and GO BUCKEYES!!!"
-Mark C.

The preceding question was sent to us by a reader the other day, and I think it addresses a common issue among men in the early stages of any relationship: Getting over the hurdle of physical contact.

For most men, meeting women is difficult. No matter where you are, be it a bar or a restaurant or a supermarket, you need to overcome the potentially-crippling approach anxiety just to strike up a conversation with a female. And why is the approach so anxiety-inducing? Because of fear. Fear that she might reject you. Fear that she might brutally shoot you down. But, simply put, unless you want to spend the remainder of your miserable life alone, cooped up in your smelly apartment watching your X-Files DVDs and feverishly masturbating to Gillian Anderson, you need to accept that fear and embrace it. Why? Because of the chance, however slim, that she won't reject you. That she might actually like you and enjoy talking to you. That maybe, just maybe, she'll give you her phone number and utter those two simple, yet earth-shattering, words: "Call me."

If that should happen, congratulations. You've successfully navigated through the first treacherous step of any casual hookup or long-term relationship. Unfortunately, it's not the last treacherous step you'll face.

The early stages of every relationship are littered with potential landmines. When you first meet her, what should you talk about? How should you ask for her number? How many days should you wait to contact her? Should you invite her to dinner and a movie? Should you invite her out for drinks? If your first date goes well, should you try to kiss her? Should you invite her back to your place? Should you try to sleep with her?

At any point, she could reject your advances and send you right back to square one.

Luckily, it sounds like Mark has been faithfully reading and absorbing the advice in our How to Meet Broads newsletters, because it seems like he's on the right track thus far. He met a girl and invited her out to join him at a casual gathering of friends. She said yes, because there's no tangible pressure in such a scenario. And, as Mark describes, the date went well (take no offense that she went home early on a work night... instead, take solace in the fact that she appears to be responsible enough to not show up to work reeking of chardonnay).

Here's what you do: She's seen your social side. And, evidently, she was satisfied enough to continue speaking to you. So let her see your private side. Let her see your world. Let her see your home and it's decor. Let her see how you exist when your guard is down. Invite her over.

First, send her a text message which says something along the lines of, "I've got a meeting early Friday morning, so I can't really go out anywhere, but if you don't have plans, you should come by my place on Thursday night for some pizza and a movie." See what you did there? You made it seem like you're too busy to try to sleep with her on account of your fictional meeting (which is why, when you do talk her into staying over, she'll be flattered that you're willing to sacrifice your precious sleep for her enthralling company), so you're not a threat, and she won't be on the defensive. And don't feel obligated to go with pizza. If you mentioned some local restaurant's delicious nachos in a previous conversation, substitute them instead. Or, if you're confident in your cooking abilities, make some pasta or baked chicken (but nothing too elaborate... don't show off and make it obvious that you're trying to seduce her). Also, if her schedule permits, definitely shoot for a Thursday night. Psychologically, it's close enough to the weekend for most people to let loose just a tad.

Before she arrives, clean your apartment and make sure it smells nice. But don't have any candles burning when she arrives, or else your ulterior motives will be plainly apparent. Christ, if you're gonna do that, you might as well put some Barry White on the stereo and answer the door naked.

Leave an interesting hardcover book on your coffee table or a nearby end table so that it looks like you read. Some good choices include anything by Marquis de Sade, Arthur Rimbaud's A Season in Hell, Baudelaire's The Flowers of Evil, any hefty biographies of presidents before 1900 (but if the girl is from below the Mason-Dixon line, you may want to avoid anything about Abraham Lincoln, because she may hate him) or any of Hunter S. Thompson's books of letters. Avoid any books about sports (Mark Bowden's Bringing the Heat may be an excellent account of the Philadelphia Eagles' 1992 season, but women just don't seem to realize or care how much of an impact Jerome Brown's death had on that squad) or comic books (leave your tattered copy of Scott McCloud's Understanding Comics under your bed, nerd). Before your girl arrives, glance at your selected author's Wikipedia page and memorize key points of their life story so that you can adequately fake an intelligent discussion if necessary.

When she arrives, offer her wine or beer or whatever she likes to drink. Resist the urge to put roofies in it.

Give her a brief tour of your home or apartment, then serve food. Eat in front of the television. Sitting in silence at the dining table is just too risky and potentially-awkward at this stage of the game. Put on a movie.

Only one problem: Which movie should you put on? If she's like most girls, she doesn't want to watch Rocky 4 or Predator (even though she might really like them if she gave 'em a goddamn chance). Instead, here are a few options that, when combined with the alcohol, could really bring out the best in her...



Dawn of the Dead (2004): Every "horror" movie these days (Saw, Hostel, etc.) seems to be a vile cornucopia of severed limbs, charred flesh and dangling eyeballs. Go ahead, put on one of those and see how your date goes. I dare you. While Dawn of the Dead does feature some blood and guts (they are zombies, after all), at no point does it feel overly gratuitous. Also, it features an integral ingredient that those other shitty "horror" movies seem to have forgotten: genuine tension. That, unlike ninety minutes of people being tortured, is what will get her adrenaline pumping.

The Big Lebowski: I'll be honest: I hate The Big Lebowski. I hate all of the Coen Brothers movies. They're long, boring and nowhere near as funny as everyone else seems to think they are. That said, everyone other than I seems to love this movie. So do yourself a favor and buy yourself a copy on DVD. Out of the corner of your eye, pay attention to your date. Pretend to laugh when she does (because, really, there's nothing funnier than the eighth time Jeff Bridges says something like, "that rug really tied the room together, man"). She'll love that you have such refined comedic tastes.

Stranger Than Fiction: This movie is unique in a cultural sense, as it represents the only known footage of Will Ferrell in which he doesn't play a washed-up sports icon and hilariously run around with his shirt off. Instead, this is a sweet, touching, well-written film about seizing the day. Quirky in parts but uplifting throughout, Stranger than Fiction will help your date realize that life is short and that we must chase that which we desire or risk missing out on it forever.

Don Juan DeMarco: While Marlon Brando waddles through this movie with an "Any chance I can get paid in cash?" ennui, Johnny Depp gives an excellent performance as either a mentally ill sociopath or, indeed, the legendary lover known as Don Juan DeMarco. Either way, this film delves into the true meanings of love and, along the way, expresses a profound admiration for the beauty of all women.

Casablanca: Originally released in 1942, Casablanca may be the only movie from that era that withstands the test of time. Humphrey Bogart plays the cynical owner of a popular Moroccan nightclub primarily populated by World War 2 refugees. But when Ingrid Bergman walks into his club one evening, Bogart is forced to revisit the past and face a moral dilemma. This film remains one of the great love stories ever written and, if your date hasn't seen it, Casablanca will undoubtedly make her feel nice and warm inside.

Good luck and, as always, happy hunting!

Got relationship questions you need answered? Submit them here!

Answering Cocktail's Mailbag Questions

Full disclosure: Despite my frequent letters and phone calls, VH1 has apparently declined to pay me a modest sum each time I write something like, "Brooke Knows Best 2 is redefining comedy as we know it" or "It's official! Terrell Owens is the most likable character on TV!" So you can rest assured that I genuinely mean it when I say that I absolutely, positively cannot wait for the November 2nd premiere of season two of For the Love of Ray J.

I'm pretty sure that no one other than I watched season one, but it was spectacularly entertaining. Evidently, when you take one supposed R&B "star" whose biggest hit was a sex tape with Kim Kardashian, and you put him in a house to let him choose between twelve loopy, money-grubbing skanks, hilarity ensues.

Don't believe me? Allow me to sum up the entire series with a brief recap of one memorable scene (because, obviously, there's nothing more fun than listening to someone else tell you what happened on their favorite TV shows): After a stressful day, Ray J takes the remaining five girls (I think there were five... I could be wrong, though) out to a nice dinner at a classy French restaurant. After saying a few kind words to each, he gets the attention of the waiter and yells, "Monsieur! Six pineapple kamikazes, please!"

Maybe you had to be there. Either way, that scene immediately took its place on my Mount Rushmore of greatest scenes in recent television history. So, even though VH1 isn't paying me to say this, watch season two of For the Love of Ray J on November 2nd. Trust me, it'll be awesome.

For the record, the other three scenes on my Mount Rushmore go something like this:

2) Friday Night Lights (Season one, episode two): Coach Eric Taylor takes Matt Saracen out to the stadium the night before the QB's first start to prep him for the game.

3) Mad Men (Season one, episode thirteen): Don Draper pitches the Carousel campaign to Kodak.

4) The Sopranos (Season three, episode thirteen): At the reception following Jackie Aprile's funeral, Uncle Junior sings "Core 'Ngrato" as the entire family watches on.

The winner of season one of For the Love of Ray J was a girl by the name of Cocktail (pictured above), who embodied many of the traits one looks for in great reality TV stars. Cold, cunning, manipulative and comfortable appearing virtually naked in front of a camera, Cocktail captured Ray J's heart for nearly two months after filming before they announced that they had gone their separate ways.

Like any dedicated fan, though, I still occasionally check in on the Twitter updates of Cocktail (aka Joanna Hernandez). And, just a few short hours ago, I was thrilled to see Miss Cocktail mention that she has a new website, on which she has photos, her favorite music videos and a blog on which -- thank you, comedy gods -- she occasionally dispenses relationship advice.

Problem is, as much as I thought Cocktail was a fantastic reality TV character, I'm not so sure that she should be giving advice to anyone. Christ, she went on TV to try to hook up with a celebrity and then claimed to have fallen in love with him. Let's just say that she might not be the most well-adjusted individual on the planet, and she should probably leave the advice to people who actually know something about relationships.

Like me.

So, allow me to present some actual questions from Cocktail's actual blog. And watch in awe as I provide better advice than she could ever dream of giving. Here goes...

Tiffany asks: I am married and my husband is a sweet guy but I am still in love with my ex.

First of all, Tiffany, that's not a question. A question is one of those sentences that begin with a word like "why," "when," "who," "how" or "what" and ends with one of those question mark thingies, honey. For instance, "Why does it burn when I pee?" That there is a question. The answer to which is, of course, chlyamydia... stupid, pesky chlyamydia...

That said, the answer to your pseudo-question is simple: Leave him. Because you're a flaky idiot and you're gonna end up screwing him over eventually. So all you need to do is say to him, "I'm sorry, but I'm in love with someone else and I want to get a divorce." And that's that. Spare him the trouble of dealing with you and let him find someone else who isn't quite as self-absorbed as you.

Here, though, is what I predict you're gonna do: Not tell your husband anything. Let him continue to buy you meals and pay the bills. Secretly become friends with your ex on Facebook (if you haven't already). Chat with him now and then. Playfully flirt. Eventually agree to meet your ex for coffee after playing coy and saying things like, "Gee, I don't know if that's such a good idea." Laugh coquetteishly at your ex's jokes and let your hand innocently brush against his arm a few times. Kiss him on the cheek as you part ways beside your Toyota Camry. Feel mildly guilty for three days, but gradually get over it. On the fourth day, without telling your husband, stop by the ex's house so that you can borrow a DVD he says you'd really like (That DVD? Office Space, which you tell him you've never seen even though you actually own it as well...). At his suggestion, sit on his sofa and have a glass of wine. Then another. Talk just long enough so that you can later tell your disapproving female friends, "You know, it just sort of happened" without feeling like a slut. After a bit of making out, have sex in his bedroom, the walls of which are covered in Nascar flags and pro wrestling posters. Go home to your husband (forgetting the Office Space DVD in the process). Continue to rendezvous with your ex two or three times a week for months as you quietly relish the attention you're getting from two men simultaneously. Allow your husband to gradually get suspicious, until he eventually follows you one afternoon as you drive over to your ex's house to bang him. At this point, many people wouldn't fault your husband if he were to shoot both you and your ex, but he won't... because he's "sweet." Instead, he'll simply kick you out and subsequently divorce you. And, after a brief mourning period, he'll realize that you weren't particularly good after all. You know why? Because the stink of your infidelity will be all over him, and it'll act as a pheromone with almost every woman he encounters. And, eventually, after enough mornings spent waking up next to women whose names he only faintly recalls, he'll realize he no longer misses you. He'll stop remembering the good times he had with you, and instead only remember the times you drove him completely insane. And, at that point, like a butterfly clawing out of its cocoon and taking flight, he'll have officially been reborn a stronger person. Strangely, at that very moment in time, you'll be sitting on a ratty futon with your ex while he eats Ritz crackers in his underwear and watches tapes of his favorite episodes of The World's Craziest Police Chases on his 13" TV/VCR combo.

And, if you should string along your husband instead of simply coming clean, that's exactly what you deserve.

Next question...

Selyna writes: I am a 17 year old single mother and my self-asteem is low and I feel like I have stopped living my life. My friends say I should refresh myself and pick it up.. are they right? Or should I just be a mom?

Yeah, Selyna (is that spelled correctly? Because I don't feel like it is...), you definitely wanna listen to those brilliant friends of yours. Chances are, they know what's best for you and, besides, the key to raising an emotionally-healthy toddler is to let it have some room to breathe. Trust me, no baby wants to be constantly-pampered by its mother. Let the little scamp have some "me time" now and then. On Friday nights, for instance. Ask your single mother (I know you didn't specifically say that your parents were divorced when you were ten, but let's be honest here: pregnant + seventeen years old = broken home and severe father issues) if she can watch your kid so that you can dress up, hang out with your pals, get drunk on Mike's Hard Lemonade and let the middle linebacker of your high school's football team finger you in a dimly-lit parking lot. That is what you mean by "refresh myself and pick it up," right?

Honestly, honey, you're kind of a retard. Obviously, having a kid at the age of seventeen might've been a slightly questionable choice, and I'm sure you realize that now, no matter how cute the little bastard might be when he/she isn't screaming at the top of his/her lungs at three in the morning.

Now, unless you want your kid to grow up to be just as much of a retard as you, the cycle must be broken. Pay attention to the kid. Lots of attention. Otherwise, your kid's doomed. If it's a girl, she'll grow up to be a drunken idiot who jumps from failed relationship to failed relationship before finally settling into a seedy rut of blowing random guys in the bathrooms of dive bars and interstate truck stops. And even worse, if it's a boy, he'll grow up to be a drunken idiot who jumps from failed relationship to failed relationship before finally settling into a seedy rut of blowing random guys in the bathrooms of dive bars and interstate truck stops.

Your life is over for the next eighteen years. Deal with it, and focus on raising the kid.

And that, Miss Joanna Hernandez (aka Cocktail of VH1's For the Love of Ray J) is how you dole out advice.

Got a dating or relationship question? Submit it here.