He's Got a Big Ego: Proving Yourself By Giving Her the Ultimate V-Day Treatment

“V” Day.
Valentine’s.
Victory.
Victoria’s Secret.
Victory with Victoria’s Secret.
VIP.
Victory with Victoria’s Secret in a VIP cabana at the Viceroy.
Vag . . .

Anyway, depending upon where you stand in your sex(less) life, it’s up to you to define this holiday overflowing with lust love seduction opportunities. There are ways to slam dunk your Victoria’s Secret vixen during the V-day holiday, and there are definitely ways to airball. For instance, last V-Day in 2009, I was taken to Valentine’s Day brunch.

Brunch. That resonates, “He does have a girlfriend.”

On February 13, 2008, I ended up making V-Day dinner reservations at Chaya Brasserie in Beverly Hills via OpenTable.com myself.

Myself. (No elaboration necessary).

But V-Day 2010 has already begun for me, as I just experienced an alleged “part” of my VIP V-Day gift last night: center court floor seats at the Jazz vs. Clippers game during my first visit to Staples Center. Impressed, I am thus far.

However, if you go too far to impress a lady to an extent which exceeds your overall manhood, then that puts you in a far worse situation than the aftermath of having her make Valentine’s Day brunch reservations via OpenTable.com. In other words, don’t drive a Ferrari F-430 if you can’t maneuver it at a speed over 80-mph in the canyons. Don’t give her a puppy with a Swarovski collar, as aforementioned, if you can’t help walk the furry friend on a regular basis. And don’t floss floor seats at your local NBA game if you’re unable to land the same seats the next week – or better yet – if you can’t floss all of the icing that is expected with the A-list view. Let me explain my VIP checklist of icing:

VIP Parking: If you’re pissed just thinking about having to pay $20 plus gratuity for parking, or if you think there’s an exception to this rule, then you’re an exceptional fool. You’d be the subject of the day-after-V-Day phone call to her best friend regarding your idiocy and candidacy for world class cheapskate. FYI, your date’s Valentine’s Day experience begins when she wakes up on Sunday, as she’ll be looking forward to royal treatment before she’s off to church or her morning workout session. So, yes, an early-to-midday text saying “Can’t wait to see you tonight. Have a wonderful day :)” is utterly acceptable. That said, pulling up to the valet at the venue’s main parking structure is part of the VIP V-Day experience – from the moment the assistant valet opens the passenger door for her, to the moment after the game when you tip the driver.

VIP Dinner: Deciding whether to chow down or determining your level of hunger is not an option. Two rounds of food and at least one round of drinks are mandatory. The chicken fingers with three dipping sauces and overloaded nachos with chicken, cheese, sour cream, guacamole, tomatoes, jalapeños – just how I like it – made me flash my million dollar smile while I played background beauty during FSN Prime Ticket’s game coverage. I had the option of a courtside Bud, a Perfect 10 by special request, or even vino rosso; but I chose ginger ale (it was a very rough weekend). I can’t promise you that the leading lady will consume any of this courtside decadence that the server brings to you, but food is essential. Diddy orders courtside grub, and so should you.

Got VIP Game? Despite popular belief, there are courtside do’s and don’ts...
1) Do carry some sports knowledge. Now, this may be the Midwestern girl in me talking, but the biggest turn-off to me is when a guy flaunts A-list tickets at a game and has no clue what’s going on or has no ability to spit player stats. If you’re a typical stat straggler, try the ESPN ScoreCenter iPhone app.
2) Don’t wear your stunner shades at night. Just because Blake Griffin is on the bench rockin’ his white Adidas tearaways for four months doesn’t mean you can lounge in your folding chair sporting your white Louis Vuitton Evidence shades for four quarters. Save them for the pier.
3) Do use profanity when relevant. Even though foul language is never truly attractive in women’s eyes, we’ll let it slide when such sporting event vernacular includes, “Fucking Kaman!”
4) Don’t be a bad sports fan. It is quite the trend to arrive fashionably late to your center court floor seats, but early leaves are absolutely intolerable. Never leave before the 4th quarter ends, even if your home team is not on top. (I learned this rule of culture during my toddler years at the old Busch Stadium).

Got Real VIP Game? So, you’re up close and personal with muscled males who get paid millions to dribble and seduce broads when jet-setting. One of your home team’s forwards does a double triple take on your date. Later, you catch the pro baller attempting to eye-fuck her before the second half begins. Then, when you and the femme look in the Clipper’s direction, he looks away, takes a squeeze bottle of hand cream and shakes it up and down in a jack-off manner (no pun intended). Handle that! A good laugh and a “That was awesome,” will prove your calmness and cool factor, as well as wrap up a humorous NBA memory. Be a player, join the game.

VIP Seat Cred: It’s the sports fanatic version of street credibility. So, how did you score those prime seats again? Fame? Fortune? Or did you use leftover law school loans for this one? Hopefully not the latter. I’d hope that a guy sitting on the floor at center court mans his own successful entrepreneurship, was able to charge the tickets to his Amex without regret, or has some ridiculously amazing story behind him, or all of the above. Now, if you happen to be the featured business success story in this month’s issue of your city’s luxury lifestyle publication, then that will cop you enough seat cred points for the rest of the season.

VIP Dessert: Cold. So the game has ended, you’ve got her waist in one hand and her souvenir in the other, and have thrown tip to valet. Make the pit stop to a chilly dessert so you can warm her up later. Obviously. Indeed, you already paid a grip for parking and courtside concessions, but you must satisfy her sweet tooth with her favorite ice cream – or my personal weakness – Pinkberry. Her toppings of choice better be in your brain’s SIM card. Honestly, at this point, your female companion won’t even be hungry. She’s just waiting to see how far you will go.

Dessert #2: Hot. (Again, no elaboration needed).

Moral of the story: Don’t floss if you ain’t a boss.

He walked like this ‘cause he could back it up.

[Note from Mary Beth: I hope you enjoyed courtside iPhone shots of my VIP V-Day experience. If you’re wondering – yes, this gentleman definitely set the bar for others to follow. But like I said before, each time you give a girl a gift, she will expect something bigger and better each time thereafter. Setting such a high bar for yourself is pretty ballsy. And I like it. For more photos of last night’s game, visit www.MarUsedToLoveHer.com]

How To Win (And Lose) Her With Gifts

[Note: Unless specified, the following advice pertains to those who are unmarried. Marriage brings a whole new level to gift-giving.]

Guys, I’m sure you’ve all had your fair share of enthusiastically (and, now, regretfully) giving gifts to a female, whether she was your girlfriend, “friend,” or the we’re-not-official-but-I-bring-her-around-when-my-frat-bros-are-in-town chick. The item you choose to give to that special someone isn’t always based on price, glamour, and luxury. As cliché as it sounds, it’s about thought. And timing.

Flowers, chocolates, rings, clothes, and puppies – these are five things that guys have the tendency to give, or think about giving, to women. They can make or break relationships, or even make or break relationships that don’t even exist (Does that even make sense? The last guy I dated thinks so). Therefore, plan very carefully when and how you decide to spend a little dough on your lady.

Flowers: They’re cute. That’s it. Just cute. Unless you flew to Peru, climbed a couple of mountains, and hand-picked exotic orchids yourself. In any other case, flowers should be given to a woman in two fashions:

1) As an unexpected surprise with no occasion attached. When a woman receives flowers, it’s a sign that you thought about her without any obligation. I once came home to an Edible Arrangement (Google it). It was not my birthday, nor was it an anniversary. In fact, the sender wasn’t even my boyfriend. Finding a bouquet of chocolate-covered strawberries, bananas, and pineapples at my doorstep – damn – that was pretty good game. Food goes straight to the my heart.

2) An accompaniment to a special occasion gift. If it’s your five year anniversary of being married, the flowers better come with two tickets to Boracay, or added as an ornament on top of a black-on-black M3. If it’s her birthday (no marriage involved), the flowers must come with a night on the town, dinner at her (or Kim Kardashian’s) favorite restaurant, and end with some hot, I mean hot, dessert at your place.

Flowers are also good pairings with graduation gifts. But whatever you do, don’t give your girl flowers in lieu of an appropriate apology. I mean, if I go out of my way to do my guy’s laundry and find a cheap green cotton Medium thong in the midst of his douchebag Ed Hardy t-shirts, don’t think it’s okay to go to the nearest freeway intersection and pick up a dozen roses to place on the kitchen counter. (What a moron to think I wear cheap lingerie).

Chocolates: Chocolates (as well as boxes of cookies, gourmet candies, etc.) are best when delivered to the workplace. Why? Think about it: Your lady is at her desk multi-tasking, finishing e-mails to her clients and shopping the shoe sale on Nordstrom.com. The receptionist intercoms her to pick up a package. When your girl returns, she doesn’t return to her desk. In fact, she runs to her female co-workers with a smile on her face, a box of chocolates which she shares with the excited office BFF’s, and every other female in the room jumps for joy, secretly envying your lady and wishing she had a guy like you about whom she can brag.

Rings: Though many females may disagree, I believe that a man should never give a woman a ring, unless it is for engagement purposes, wedding days, or celebrations within a marriage. Otherwise, she’ll get the wrong idea, and you’re only setting yourself up for failure. Quick rule of thumb: Each time you give a girl a gift, she will expect something bigger and better each time thereafter. If you give her a ring now, what will she expect later? A proposal? [shivers]

Clothes: Cashmere. Or small luxury pieces to go with the big luxury pieces that are already in her closet. Buy something that she desires, but would most likely not be a priority on her shopping list due to budget restrictions. For example, a solid color cashmere scarf with matching gloves (or the Burberry set at Neiman-Marcus) to go with all of her pea coats and purses would be adorable. But after shopping for others, thinking about taxes due in 2010, and daily LA valet expenditures, I definitely don’t have these items on my shopping to-do list.

Puppies: Solution: found. Okay, honestly, if you want a girl to fall in love with you, get her a puppy. Give her a puppy that will grow small enough to always fit in her Louis Vuitton Speedy 35. It worked on me.

Check it: As you know, a puppy is like a child. Basically, you and your lady will serve as parents and raise this expensive, high-maintenance four-legged fur ball, so don’t think you can give it to her and expect to never deal with it again. You must walk the little one when you’re around, offer to take it to the vet, and bring over some gourmet puppy snacks when you pick your lady up for a date. We all realize that a puppy is a huge responsibility, and you can’t just leave it at home at anytime at your convenience. Now, she may fall in love with you when you give her the pooch with a Swarovski collar around its neck, but you will quickly fall in her “Asshole” list on her iPhone when she realizes you have purchased it with ulterior motives. Don’t think that you can just buy your lady a dog to make her stay at home on Friday and Saturday nights to take care of it 24/7, while you’re out and about gallavanting with broads that lack the brains and beauty your girl possesses. (Fuck you, Wil! [also known as “Asshole 666”])

Generally speaking, a perfect gift will make your lady smile, make her girlfriends love you, and bring your relationship to a better place (at least temporarily).

Mary Beth Sales is the Founder and President of Marmar Public Relations, a Los Angeles-based company that focuses on fashion and entertainment, putting people and their talents in “The Scene.” When she isn’t dealing with celebrities, fashionistas, and LA valet runners, Mary Beth can be found at sports bars, where she watches Big 12 football and calls guys out if they approach her with bad game. Read more about her misadventures at MarUsedToLoveHer.com

Introducing Mary Beth

Dear readers, please allow me to introduce you to Mary Beth Sales, a young lass with a unique understanding of the intricacies of modern romance. We here at How to Meet Broads Inc. were introduced to her via the magic of the internet, and she was nice enough to agree to an interview. Without a doubt, there is much insight to be gained from her female perspective. Here goes...

Tell us a little about yourself. Who are you? Where are you from? What do you do for a living?

I'm Mary Beth. A true Midwesterner, I am a St. Louis girl at heart, so I love the Cardinals and hate the Cubs. Now I live in the crazy -- yet fabulous -- City of Angels. I'm a law school drop-out -- finally doing something in my life for myself. Since I love fashion, I'm a wardrobe stylist. And an on-camera host. A hustler. In other words, I get paid to shop and put clothes on people, and I get some extra cash by interviewing people on the red carpet. On the weekends (or, Mondays through Thursdays for LA locals, I should say), I play wingwoman for my guy friends.

What are the responsibilities of a good wingwoman?

In a nut shell, a good wingwoman will be her guy friend's teammate on a playing field, whether at a party, bar, club, sports event, wedding, etc. Teammates always work together. When the ball (aka the prospective female for the guy friend) enters the playing field, a good wingwoman will gradually build rapport with the prospective female. The wingwoman will make the prospective female smile, maybe compliment her, and ask what her plans are for the night, or for the weekend. Finally, a good wingwoman will pass the ball to her guy friend and bring the prospective female into communication with the him. It's up to him to score.

Where do you feel most men fail when attempting to talk to women?

Beginning with a really bad pick-up line. Or any pick-up line in general. Sometimes a simple, "Hi, my name is ______ " with a genuine smile just might work.

And don't ask whether I want you to buy me a drink. Just ask me what I'm drinking and duplicate it. If I take it, then lucky you. If I don't, gracefully take it for yourself to drink. Also, drinks should always be ordered and served in front of me. Or else I won't drink it at all. Can't trust a perfect stranger :)

What do you find attractive in a male?

A million dollar smile, confidence, swagger, ambition and a hustler mentality.

How do you define confidence, and how do you recognize that an individual has it?
I can't exactly define confidence, but I definitely know it when I see it.

A confident guy won't compete with me. He won't be so eager to list his entire academic CV after I tell him that I graduated college cum laude in three years and was accepted to an accelerated 2-year law program. He is proud and stands securely next to anyone. A confident guy has no problem making conversation with anyone. He is diplomatic. A truly confident man is humble. And wise.

When it comes to evaluating prospective mates, how important are the following to you: How much money a guy makes. What kind of car he drives. What he does for a living. His age. His height and weight.
Money is important. I don't want to have to worry about someone else's financial well-being -- I already have to worry about mine. What he does for a living is crucial. My prospective mate must be both happy and successful -- if you're making great money with your job, but don't really like it -- huge turn off.

Car -- not anymore. I've always wanted a man who will love me more than his car. Although, a nice car is a bonus. Just make sure it's equivalent to your standard of living -- don't drive a 996 Twin Turbo and live in an apartment that costs $1,300 a month. Like my ex did.

Age -- I once dated a guy 12 years older than myself. I'll never do it again. Well, at least in my mind, "older guys" think they know it all. Actually, age is a state of mind. I swore to myself I would never date someone under 28 (I'm 25) -- but I know 24-year-old guys who act maturely and have business minds like a 38-year-old. And a bomb smile? Total turn on.

Height -- has to be taller than I am when I'm wearing my highest heels. In other words -- at least 5'9". I love it when I look up and a guy kisses me on my forehead. And take care of your body. But eat well too. It shows that you're driven and have respect for yourself.

Do you find there to be a difference between dating in the Midwest and dating in Los Angeles?

I've thrown boys away like purple Jolly Ranchers here in LA. (I hate artificial grape flavors). I feel like there are so many guys to choose from, it doesn't phase me as much when I drop/lose them. I've talked to a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon, a software guru who's been featured in Forbes, the perfect-GPA-NCAA-athlete-of-the-year guy... I can always find something wrong with them. Here in LA, you'd be a fool to think that you're the "only one" whom someone is dating -- that goes for both guys and girls.

In the Midwest, guys hold doors, they never fail to politely introduce you to others, smile... I couldn't treat them like grape candy.

If you could give one piece of advice to guys who have difficulty meeting women, what would it be?

Smile. And be yourself. We can see right through you.

[Ed. note: Read more about the misadventures of Mary Beth Sales at her blog, www.marusedtoloveher.com.]