And Thus Begins Our Feud with Patton Oswalt

The other night, I spent the evening at the home of a lovely young lady with shoulder-length blonde hair and an adorable smile. After a delicious dinner, we settled in for some prime-time television, then eventually headed to bed. After she dozed off, most likely from sheer sexual exhaustion, I slid over to her computer to find something to watch on Netflix.com.

I scanned my instant queue for a moment before finally settling on Big Fan, a film that was released last year starring comedian Patton Oswalt as a die-hard New York Giants fan, the type that paints his face and religiously calls in to sports talk shows.

I like Patton Oswalt. I think he's funny and intelligent and brings a likable "nerdish everyman"-type quality to his performances. And, back in September or so, when Oswalt appeared on the podcasts of both Bill Simmons and Adam Carolla to promote the film, each discussed in length how good Big Fan was and what great reviews it was receiving. Needless to say, I've been looking forward to seeing it for a while. And, just this past week, it was added to Netflix's instant play section. Which is how I found myself watching it last night.

All in all, the movie was enjoyable. Right up until the end. Patton Oswalt's character and a friend are looking at the Giants' schedule for the following season. They both enthusiastically agree that it looks like a piece of cake. "Thirteen and three," the friend says.

"What are your three losses?" Oswalt asks.

"Green Bay, New England and the Chargers," the friend says.

I stopped to rewind it and make sure I heard him correctly. Yep, he definitely said New England and the Chargers. Do you see any inaccuracy there? Like how, say, an NFC East team wouldn't ever play both the Patriots and the Chargers in the same regular season? How the Giants would either play the entire AFC East or the entire AFC West, but not some teams from each?

This baffled me. How could a movie that was obviously written by a sports fan and made for sports fans take such care to make sure all of the details are true-to-life, to the point that all of the players discussed in the film -- with one exception -- are real players, and then blow it at the last second like that? Even if the screenwriter didn't know the particulars of the NFL schedule, wasn't there one straight male involved in the production of the film who could have pointed out the flaw?

Apparently not, because upon further inspection (me rewatching the scene the following morning and pausing it on the frame where the friend holds up the clearly-visible schedule), the newspaper clipping they're looking at only lists fourteen regular season games. How hard would it have been to make a fake schedule that was, you know, similar in appearance to every NFL schedule published in every goddamn newspaper in the country?

So, essentially, Big Fan was good for eighty-three minutes. Then, like Joe Pisarcik, it fumbled the game away when it mattered most and Herman Edwards ran the ball in for a touchdown.

Well, that's the way it goes sometimes, right? Wrong. I needed to know how such a glaring oversight could occur in an otherwise good movie. Which is why I became a fan of Patton Oswalt on the Facebook this morning, and sent him the following message:

"Hey Patton... watched Big Fan last night. Liked it up until the 1 hour, 24 minute mark. Was there not one red-blooded, football-watching American male who saw that movie during the writing, shooting or editing phase and said, "You know, the Giants wouldn't play both the Chargers and the Patriots the following season. They'd only play teams from one division from the AFC..."? Also, at the risk of sounding nitpicky, the schedule that is shown on-screen only includes 14 regular season games. Perhaps these are minute details to some, but they kinda throw off the whole movie."

Patton Oswalt himself responded about an hour later. He said, "Huh, that's a very astutezzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZ."

I was a little taken aback. How could this little twerp, who prides himself on his encyclopedic knowledge of comic books, resort to inferring that I was some boring loser for wondering why his movie contained an idiotic error? In addition, I also found there to be a hint of irony in the fact that, in the movie, Oswalt follows his favorite athlete into a club solely out of admiration, and gets senselessly beaten by that athlete and his posse, who clearly want nothing to do with Oswalt's common fan. But had real-life Patton Oswalt become the bully, the one who is too sensitive and indifferent to address the factual inaccuracies of his films?

It didn't end there. A few members of his legion of dweebs went on the attack...

Cody Evjen: "ROFL"

Paul Vermeersch: "And you know, in ET, bicycles can't really fly. The aerodynamics are all wrong. Ruined the whole movie for me."

Rob Nickerson: "I'm sure they'll fix it with CGI for the upcoming Laserdisc re-release."

Then someone named Myra chimed in. I'd copy and paste her comment verbatim, but she has since blocked me for reasons that may become apparent shortly. Either way, she said something along the lines of: "Repeat after me: It's not a documentary. Then get the stick out of your ass."

I was gonna let it slide, figuring that perhaps I'm the only person on the planet who falls into both the "Fan of Patton Oswalt" camp and "Knows Shit about Football" camp...

...But Myra's comment simply rubbed me the wrong way.

My response: "Thank you, Myra. I am aware that Big Fan is not a documentary. But, let's say there was a movie about something that you were knowledgeable about: being an obnoxious cunt, for instance. And let's say that movie meticulously recreated the little details about being a cunt: the real-life names of actors in shows a cunt might watch, places that a cunt might hang out, the types of radio shows a cunt might listen to. And as you're watching it, you're thinking, 'Wow, these people have really put in a lot of effort to make sure this movie captures what it's like to be a cunt.' And then, right at the end, they include some bizarre inaccuracy that makes you wonder how they could have been so conscious of the minutiae in the rest of the movie but overlook something so simple. Wouldn't that make you curious how such an oversight could occur, Myra?"

Too harsh?

Because she responded with something just as self-righteous and pompous as her first comment, then evidently blocked me.

The lesson? As always, women really, really don't like the word "cunt."

And Patton Oswalt is a douche.

Five Movies That Will Get You Laid

"I met a girl at a bar last weekend. Turns out she's from a few towns over from where I grew up in Ohio. She was cute and fun and, after talkign for an hour or two, we exchanged numbers. A few days later I invited her too come hang out with some friends and I at another bar. She stoped by for a bit and it went well, but it was a weeknight and she left kind of early because she had to work in the morning. So what should I do now? Should I take her out too dinner, or just stick too happy hour drinks? Thakns for your advice, and GO BUCKEYES!!!"
-Mark C.

The preceding question was sent to us by a reader the other day, and I think it addresses a common issue among men in the early stages of any relationship: Getting over the hurdle of physical contact.

For most men, meeting women is difficult. No matter where you are, be it a bar or a restaurant or a supermarket, you need to overcome the potentially-crippling approach anxiety just to strike up a conversation with a female. And why is the approach so anxiety-inducing? Because of fear. Fear that she might reject you. Fear that she might brutally shoot you down. But, simply put, unless you want to spend the remainder of your miserable life alone, cooped up in your smelly apartment watching your X-Files DVDs and feverishly masturbating to Gillian Anderson, you need to accept that fear and embrace it. Why? Because of the chance, however slim, that she won't reject you. That she might actually like you and enjoy talking to you. That maybe, just maybe, she'll give you her phone number and utter those two simple, yet earth-shattering, words: "Call me."

If that should happen, congratulations. You've successfully navigated through the first treacherous step of any casual hookup or long-term relationship. Unfortunately, it's not the last treacherous step you'll face.

The early stages of every relationship are littered with potential landmines. When you first meet her, what should you talk about? How should you ask for her number? How many days should you wait to contact her? Should you invite her to dinner and a movie? Should you invite her out for drinks? If your first date goes well, should you try to kiss her? Should you invite her back to your place? Should you try to sleep with her?

At any point, she could reject your advances and send you right back to square one.

Luckily, it sounds like Mark has been faithfully reading and absorbing the advice in our How to Meet Broads newsletters, because it seems like he's on the right track thus far. He met a girl and invited her out to join him at a casual gathering of friends. She said yes, because there's no tangible pressure in such a scenario. And, as Mark describes, the date went well (take no offense that she went home early on a work night... instead, take solace in the fact that she appears to be responsible enough to not show up to work reeking of chardonnay).

Here's what you do: She's seen your social side. And, evidently, she was satisfied enough to continue speaking to you. So let her see your private side. Let her see your world. Let her see your home and it's decor. Let her see how you exist when your guard is down. Invite her over.

First, send her a text message which says something along the lines of, "I've got a meeting early Friday morning, so I can't really go out anywhere, but if you don't have plans, you should come by my place on Thursday night for some pizza and a movie." See what you did there? You made it seem like you're too busy to try to sleep with her on account of your fictional meeting (which is why, when you do talk her into staying over, she'll be flattered that you're willing to sacrifice your precious sleep for her enthralling company), so you're not a threat, and she won't be on the defensive. And don't feel obligated to go with pizza. If you mentioned some local restaurant's delicious nachos in a previous conversation, substitute them instead. Or, if you're confident in your cooking abilities, make some pasta or baked chicken (but nothing too elaborate... don't show off and make it obvious that you're trying to seduce her). Also, if her schedule permits, definitely shoot for a Thursday night. Psychologically, it's close enough to the weekend for most people to let loose just a tad.

Before she arrives, clean your apartment and make sure it smells nice. But don't have any candles burning when she arrives, or else your ulterior motives will be plainly apparent. Christ, if you're gonna do that, you might as well put some Barry White on the stereo and answer the door naked.

Leave an interesting hardcover book on your coffee table or a nearby end table so that it looks like you read. Some good choices include anything by Marquis de Sade, Arthur Rimbaud's A Season in Hell, Baudelaire's The Flowers of Evil, any hefty biographies of presidents before 1900 (but if the girl is from below the Mason-Dixon line, you may want to avoid anything about Abraham Lincoln, because she may hate him) or any of Hunter S. Thompson's books of letters. Avoid any books about sports (Mark Bowden's Bringing the Heat may be an excellent account of the Philadelphia Eagles' 1992 season, but women just don't seem to realize or care how much of an impact Jerome Brown's death had on that squad) or comic books (leave your tattered copy of Scott McCloud's Understanding Comics under your bed, nerd). Before your girl arrives, glance at your selected author's Wikipedia page and memorize key points of their life story so that you can adequately fake an intelligent discussion if necessary.

When she arrives, offer her wine or beer or whatever she likes to drink. Resist the urge to put roofies in it.

Give her a brief tour of your home or apartment, then serve food. Eat in front of the television. Sitting in silence at the dining table is just too risky and potentially-awkward at this stage of the game. Put on a movie.

Only one problem: Which movie should you put on? If she's like most girls, she doesn't want to watch Rocky 4 or Predator (even though she might really like them if she gave 'em a goddamn chance). Instead, here are a few options that, when combined with the alcohol, could really bring out the best in her...



Dawn of the Dead (2004): Every "horror" movie these days (Saw, Hostel, etc.) seems to be a vile cornucopia of severed limbs, charred flesh and dangling eyeballs. Go ahead, put on one of those and see how your date goes. I dare you. While Dawn of the Dead does feature some blood and guts (they are zombies, after all), at no point does it feel overly gratuitous. Also, it features an integral ingredient that those other shitty "horror" movies seem to have forgotten: genuine tension. That, unlike ninety minutes of people being tortured, is what will get her adrenaline pumping.

The Big Lebowski: I'll be honest: I hate The Big Lebowski. I hate all of the Coen Brothers movies. They're long, boring and nowhere near as funny as everyone else seems to think they are. That said, everyone other than I seems to love this movie. So do yourself a favor and buy yourself a copy on DVD. Out of the corner of your eye, pay attention to your date. Pretend to laugh when she does (because, really, there's nothing funnier than the eighth time Jeff Bridges says something like, "that rug really tied the room together, man"). She'll love that you have such refined comedic tastes.

Stranger Than Fiction: This movie is unique in a cultural sense, as it represents the only known footage of Will Ferrell in which he doesn't play a washed-up sports icon and hilariously run around with his shirt off. Instead, this is a sweet, touching, well-written film about seizing the day. Quirky in parts but uplifting throughout, Stranger than Fiction will help your date realize that life is short and that we must chase that which we desire or risk missing out on it forever.

Don Juan DeMarco: While Marlon Brando waddles through this movie with an "Any chance I can get paid in cash?" ennui, Johnny Depp gives an excellent performance as either a mentally ill sociopath or, indeed, the legendary lover known as Don Juan DeMarco. Either way, this film delves into the true meanings of love and, along the way, expresses a profound admiration for the beauty of all women.

Casablanca: Originally released in 1942, Casablanca may be the only movie from that era that withstands the test of time. Humphrey Bogart plays the cynical owner of a popular Moroccan nightclub primarily populated by World War 2 refugees. But when Ingrid Bergman walks into his club one evening, Bogart is forced to revisit the past and face a moral dilemma. This film remains one of the great love stories ever written and, if your date hasn't seen it, Casablanca will undoubtedly make her feel nice and warm inside.

Good luck and, as always, happy hunting!

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