“The eyes indicate the antiquity of the soul.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson
I’m not entirely sure what “antiquity” means, and I’m far too lazy to look it up, so we’ll just have to cross our fingers and hope that the above quote applies to the following article.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor. And, as someone who has, in the past, religiously watched such shows as Beverly Hills 90210, Melrose Place, Models Inc., Joe Millionaire and The Real World, I’d have no problem readily admitting it if I were, indeed, a viewer of The Bachelor. But, alas, I am not.
Thus, I did not see the season finale last week, but enough of my Facebook acquaintances made catty comments about the female contestant who came out on top that I had to do a little research of my own. And, thanks to a few minutes of Googling, here’s what I learned…
The chick’s name is Vienna Marie Girardi, no relation to New York Yankees’ manager Joe Girardi. She’s 23 years of age and, while born in Geneva, Florida, she now hails from the bustling metropolis of Sanford, Florida. A graduate of the University of Central Florida, Vienna was a member of Kappa Delta and has a bachelor’s degree in Interpersonal Organizational Communication. Despite majoring in such an up-and-coming, in-demand field, Vienna is currently unemployed, although she has previously waited tables at Hooters, much like Marie Curie and Michelle Obama.
From the sound of it (based solely upon the one recap I just read at the always-enjoyable redactedblog.blogspot.com), Vienna Girardi was awkward, mildly-rude and generally hated by the other contestants as well as the bachelor’s family. Nonetheless, in the climatic scene, the bachelor chose Vienna and proposed marriage.
Sadly, this is going to end badly, because Vienna Girardi is completely insane.
You know how I know this? Her eyes.
In a previous post, we compiled a list of warning signs of female insanity. Unfortunately, due to an unforgivable oversight on our part, we missed an important one. While those warning signs focused on harbingers that one might see only after focused observation of her behavior,insanity also — for reasons that have never been properly explained by science — physically manifests itself in the human eye.
Specifically, if you can see just a little bit too much white around a chick’s eyeball, she’s nuts.
Take a look at the diagram below.
See what I mean? Any woman who has eyes like that is crazy.
While the “crazy eye” phenomenon has undoubtedly existed since the dawn of mankind, when the first cavemen were sitting around a fire and one of them said to his buddy, “I just don’t get it… some days she’s so nice and sweet, and other days she’s just a goddamn lunatic,” it first rose to prominence in April of 2005, when Jennifer Wilbanks of Duluth, Georgia, ran away from home in an extreme case of premarital cold feet. Her disappearance sparked a nationwide search and a media frenzy until she was located a few days later in New Mexico, claiming to have been kidnapped and sexually-assaulted by Mexicans. During police interrogation, Wilbanks admitted that she had concocted the story and she was formally charged with giving false information to police. And, as a result, men across America learned to never trust a woman who looks like the chick over there to the right.
And, in addition to already being married and divorced once, plus realistically thinking she could find her next one true love on reality television, Vienna Girardi has a touch of the crazy eyes.
Good luck, Jake the Bachelor. You’re gonna need it.