Like Windows into the Crazy Soul

“The eyes indi­cate the antiq­uity of the soul.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson

I’m not entirely sure what “antiq­uity” means, and I’m far too lazy to look it up, so we’ll just have to cross our fin­gers and hope that the above quote applies to the fol­low­ing article.

I’ve never watched The Bach­e­lor. And, as some­one who has, in the past, reli­giously watched such shows as Bev­erly Hills 90210, Mel­rose Place, Mod­els Inc., Joe Mil­lion­aire and The Real World, I’d have no prob­lem read­ily admit­ting it if I were, indeed, a viewer of The Bach­e­lor. But, alas, I am not.

Thus, I did not see the sea­son finale last week, but enough of my Face­book acquain­tances made catty com­ments about the female con­tes­tant who came out on top that I had to do a lit­tle research of my own. And, thanks to a few min­utes of Googling, here’s what I learned…

The chick’s name is Vienna Marie Girardi, no rela­tion to New York Yan­kees’ man­ager Joe Girardi. She’s 23 years of age and, while born in Geneva, Florida, she now hails from the bustling metrop­o­lis of San­ford, Florida. A grad­u­ate of the Uni­ver­sity of Cen­tral Florida, Vienna was a mem­ber of Kappa Delta and has a bachelor’s degree in Inter­per­sonal Orga­ni­za­tional Com­mu­ni­ca­tion. Despite major­ing in such an up-and-coming, in-demand field, Vienna is cur­rently unem­ployed, although she has pre­vi­ously waited tables at Hoot­ers, much like Marie Curie and Michelle Obama.

From the sound of it (based solely upon the one recap I just read at the always-enjoyable redactedblog.blogspot.com), Vienna Girardi was awk­ward, mildly-rude and gen­er­ally hated by the other con­tes­tants as well as the bachelor’s fam­ily. Nonethe­less, in the cli­matic scene, the bach­e­lor chose Vienna and pro­posed marriage.

Sadly, this is going to end badly, because Vienna Girardi is com­pletely insane.

You know how I know this? Her eyes.

In a pre­vi­ous post, we com­piled a list of warn­ing signs of female insan­ity. Unfor­tu­nately, due to an unfor­giv­able over­sight on our part, we missed an impor­tant one. While those warn­ing signs focused on har­bin­gers that one might see only after focused obser­va­tion of her behavior,insanity also — for rea­sons that have never been prop­erly explained by sci­ence — phys­i­cally man­i­fests itself in the human eye.

Specif­i­cally, if you can see just a lit­tle bit too much white around a chick’s eye­ball, she’s nuts.

Take a look at the dia­gram below.

See what I mean? Any woman who has eyes like that is crazy.

While the “crazy eye” phe­nom­e­non has undoubt­edly existed since the dawn of mankind, when the first cave­men were sit­ting around a fire and one of them said to his buddy, “I just don’t get it… some days she’s so nice and sweet, and other days she’s just a god­damn lunatic,” it first rose to promi­nence in April of 2005, when Jen­nifer Wilbanks of Duluth, Geor­gia, ran away from home in an extreme case of pre­mar­i­tal cold feet. Her dis­ap­pear­ance sparked a nation­wide search and a media frenzy until she was located a few days later in New Mex­ico, claim­ing to have been kid­napped and sexually-assaulted by Mex­i­cans. Dur­ing police inter­ro­ga­tion, Wilbanks admit­ted that she had con­cocted the story and she was for­mally charged with giv­ing false infor­ma­tion to police. And, as a result, men across Amer­ica learned to never trust a woman who looks like the chick over there to the right.

And, in addi­tion to already being mar­ried and divorced once, plus real­is­ti­cally think­ing she could find her next one true love on real­ity tele­vi­sion, Vienna Girardi has a touch of the crazy eyes.

Good luck, Jake the Bach­e­lor. You’re gonna need it.

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