Remember that movie Demolition Man?
It’s been a few years since I’ve seen it, but if my memory serves me correctly, Wesley Snipes played a dangerous criminal and Sylvester Stallone was a cop who has made it his goal to capture him. Somehow, Wesley Snipes ends up being captured and cryogenically frozen (I suppose I could look it up, but I’m gonna guess that the reasoning was something along the lines of “We need to study his brain for science”) and, for reasons I can’t recall, Stallone was frozen as well. Then, at some point in the distant future (2011 or 2012, I believe), Snipes is mistakenly unfrozen, busts out of cryo-jail and resumes his violent criminal activities. At which point Stallone is unfrozen as well, because he’s the only cop who can, once again, bring Snipes to justice.
Despite any glaring inaccuracies in the above synopsis, I do remember that, while Stallone, Snipes and all other prisoners in Demolition Man were in their frozen state, they were taught basic skills via osmosis so that, in theory, they could be productive members of society upon their release. Unfortunately, due to a glitch in the system, Snipes learned stuff like forgery, safe-cracking and computer hacking while he was in limbo, while supercop Stallone only learned how to sew.
If, however, Stallone had learned how to give impeccable dating and relationship advice rather than the ability to hem a pair of khakis, his advice would probably go something like this…
Subject: Getting Over My Boyfriends Past Lovers
My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly seven months now, and he is great. He constantly tells me that I am the best girlfriend he has ever had and that no one has ever made his life so complete. I truly love him and I feel like we have an awesome thing going for us. However I have recently not been able to get his past sexual partners out of my mind. I was a virgin when I met him and he has a past with 7 other girls. All but two were one time things, but they still really bother me. I don’t know how to let the past be the past with this. I constantly feel compared or judged, even though he has never said anything but positive feedback.
In a conversation we were having about his (somewhat crazy) ex girlfriend he said how I was so much better than her at sex, which I felt really good about because a comment he made earlier made it seem as though the best time he ever had with a girl was one of the girls he had dated for quite a while. However this was not the case, as the conversation continued I finally asked which one was the best, and he reluctantly told me that it was first girl A and then after her girl B would be the second best. So you can imagine my awkwardness and heartbreak. I mean what should I expect? He’s the only person I’ve ever had sex with and yet these girls could have countless partners.
I don’t want to ruin this otherwise near perfect relationship that I have with someone so amazing because of something like this. I know a relationship is built on so much more than sex but it really has me bothered beyond belief right now.
Your boyfriend is kind of a dumbass, Elle. It is common knowledge amongst the male community that, when a new girlfriend inquires about your past sexual partners, you are supposed to dodge the question by any means necessary, because nothing good can come of any answer you may give (nor should a guy ever ask about a girlfriend’s past experiences). I once had a girlfriend ask me how many women I’d slept with before her. I hemmed and hawed, but she kept pressing. “How many?” she asked. I pretended to not hear her. “It won’t bother me,” she said, “I promise.” I tried to distract her by telling her that I liked her shoes. It didn’t work. Like a heavyweight prizefighter working the heavybag, she just kept pounding away. “How many? How many? How many?” Finally, I just had to fall to the floor and fake a stroke to get her to drop the subject.
Even if you asked him directly how many women he’s been with or how they ranked, he never should’ve given you a straight answer. The problem is that many guys, especially younger ones, think that they’ll sound much cooler if they exaggerate their number. Hence the widely-held belief that, in order to determine any male’s true number of sexual partners, one should take the number that they claim and divide it by three (and to determine a female’s number, one should take the number that they claim and multiply it be three). Are we sure that that’s not the case here? Are you sure that he’s been with these seven women and not, say, two or three and that he thinks you’ll be impressed by his sexual prowess if he embellishes a bit?
Despite what that dimwitted goofball said, I’m sure that you’re just fine at sex. It’s really not difficult, especially if you’re a girl. Most of the time, all you really need to do is lay back, spread your legs and let him go to town. Every now and then, hop on top and take charge. Work in a few blowjobs and/or handjobs here and there (if you’re in need of a tutorial for those, visit Youporn.com), and tell him to shut up about his dumb ex-girlfriend sex rankings.
Sex is sex, and no guy who’s getting laid regularly has any right to complain. Even if what he said hurt your feelings, I can assure you that he’s quite happy with you. He’s just too dopey to express it properly. A lot of guys are dumb. If you haven’t realized that yet, you eventually will. On the other hand, a lot of girls are insecure, and you need to stop quizzing him about his previous girlfriends, worrying whether or not you measure up and recognize that he’s with you because he wants to be with you.
i have been going out with my boyfriend for over 2 years. and has never verbally abused me… ever. however, just recently, he has has mean things to say to me. and it just started about the time he moved in with me. one time he told me, “i like bashing you in the f*ing teeth.” i let it go. i didn’t say anything. he has also said to me at times to “shut the f***-up.” another time he poured water on my knees. and as he walked off he said, “i could f*ing punch you right now if i could get away with it.” i let him go. but now he is wearing me down with apologies. and i find myself missing him… the nice part of him. please help. these are red flags… correct? or should i trust him when he said he will never do it again. but even after he has said that… he has sent me “not so nice” text messages. he was upset. i’m not sure why i love him still. i know i sound like this dumb girl. but i really am torn. my friends do not like him. his friends say i over reacted by letting him go and kicking him out. i would deeply appreciate your input. thank you!
Maybe he’s bipolar or perhaps he’s merely an asshole, but either way, you need to stop making excuses for him. When you were a little girl, I’m pretty sure you didn’t dream about one day ending up with someone who consistently threatened to knock your teeth out, so stop trying to convince yourself that it’s normal or acceptable. In this case, your friends are absolutely correct. Listen to them and cut him loose before he actually follows through on one of his threats.
You’ll find someone better as soon as you’re free and clear of this weirdo.
Subject: Did I strike a Nerve?
I was seeing a guy, everything was going great between us, the attraction couldn’t be more clear. I believe that because I developed feelings for him, he began to distance himself from me, but wanted to keep me around as one of his options. Prior he almost seemed territorial over me, but suddenly he no longer was interested in intimacy with me. I was told by his own friends that he was seeing other girls. I kept asking him to be upfront with me, but his responses were always vague, always something like if you don’t hear it from me, don’t believe it.
To make a long story short, whenever I tried to get closure for myself to find out what really went wrong, it just made him angry or annoyed with me. We’ve gotten into heated arguments, I said things I didn’t mean, but I feel as if I’ve struck a nerve with something I’ve said because his recent language towards me has become really aggressive and he’s hostile towards me. I’m the only girl who it seems ticks him off and I don’t know why.
He told me there is no emotion between us so I start seeing someone else and he starts acting like a jealous ex and gets into a war of words with the new guy. Everything he does and says are like mixed signals to me. I asked him if he hated me and he never answered me back. Thing is, I have no idea why we are arguing or why there is so much negative tension. When I tried to get to the bottom of it, he flips out or tells me to leave him alone. What did I miss?
Thanks for the question, Janine. And here’s my answer…
I don’t know.
Without knowing this guy or being in his head, it’s impossible to know for sure what he’s thinking or what you’re missing. Sadly, I simply have no idea. But the most likely scenario I can come up with is this: He’s weird.
Lots of people in this world, both men and women, are just plain weird. Sometimes their weirdness stems from an aberration in their genetic makeup. Sometimes it’s based in childhood trauma, like the time their drunk uncle fingered them at the family picnic. Whatever the case may be, they’re emotionally damaged for life. Thus, not only are they unable to maintain healthy relationships with members of the opposite sex, but they often let their own deep insecurities get in the way of regular social interaction.
And I think, essentially, insecurity is what we’re dealing with here. When a girl pays attention to a normal guy, that normal guy is thrilled. The insecure guy, on the other hand, looks in the mirror, is disgusted by what he sees and decides that he’s not good enough for the girl in question and does whatever it takes to subconsciously sabotage it. While the normal guy would love to find one sweet girl to spend his time with, the insecure guy needs to sleep with as many women as possible in a vain attempt to conquer his own feelings of inadequacy. When the normal guy’s ex-girlfriend starts seeing someone else, he shrugs his shoulders and quietly says, “Good for her,” even if he doesn’t really mean it. The insecure guy, on the other hand, causes a scene and yells at the new guy because he thinks it’ll establish him as the dominant alpha male, even though he knows deep down that he’s not.
More than anything else, the insecure guy wants you to notice him, and he wants to be in the position where he has the power to push you away. He wants to tug at your emotional strings just so he can prove to himself that he has the ability. Above all, he wants attention, and either negative or positive attention will work. My advice is to stop giving it to him. Forget about the closure you’re seeking. You’re not gonna get it, so stop sending him text messages, stop calling him, stop acknowledging his presence in social settings. He might not like it at first, but he’ll eventually get bored and move on to someone else.
From what you’ve told me, you’ve done nothing wrong, so stop letting him try to convince you that you did.
Subject: Dating for 2 weeks
I may just be overreacting, but have a question about a guy I just started dating. We met online and our first date was amazing. We had an instant connection and laughed all night long. Our second date was a few days later and we had dinner and then went back to his place. We didn’t have sex, but just made out for hours and we both admitted to feeling incredibly comfortable with each other after just talking for a few days. Date three we went out for drinks with his friend. Date 4 was dinner again, we came back to my place and he asked me to have sex and I said no. Date 5 was a few days later and he called me when he got back from his three day business trip to meet him and his friend for drinks. That night we had sex and it was great (morning was a little awkward though). We are having a really great time together, and he seems like he’s really into me. However, with the online dating I can see that he still goes on and just even updated his profile. We’ve only been seeing each other for 2 weeks, so should I assume he’s dating other people? I’m not comfortable with the idea of dating more than one person at a time, but all my friends and family keep telling me I should be dating other people as well. They also keep telling me it is way to soon to bring up the exclusivity talk with him. I think he could be a really good fit for me, but don’t want to screw it up by coming off too strongly too soon. How do I deal with the fact hat he might be dating other people and when is it ok to talk to him about it?
Thank you so much for your advice.
Perhaps you are already aware of this, Kara, or perhaps you’re not, but it’s extremely hard for most guys to get laid. Regardless of whether a guy is good-looking, or wealthy, or incredibly charming, he’ll find himself going home alone, taking off the clothes he put on solely in hopes of impressing women, curling up in bed and cursing his miserable luck far more often than not. Which is why, out of the millions of heterosexual men between the ages of 18 and dead who are not currently in a committed relationship, I would estimate that 97% would absolutely, positively love to find one girl that they cared about and could date/marry/whatever. That leaves a scant 3% who actually want to, for one reason or another, date and/or sleep with as many people as possible. Maybe they’re young enough that they have not yet grown weary of “the game.” Maybe they just got out of a bad relationship and they can’t bring themselves to trust any women quite yet. Or maybe their mother never loved them and, for them, sleeping with women and then ditching them is a twisted form of futile retribution. If this guy in question doesn’t sound like any of those people, than you can probably rest assured that he’s in the 97% who would be more than happy with just one person.
My advice is to simply give it some time. Maybe another two weeks or three sexual encounters (whichever comes first). If he’s still active on that website at that point, then you may wanna ask him about it and be prepared to move on if you don’t get an answer you like. But in the meantime, there’s a very good chance that he’s merely keeping his options open. Don’t judge too harshly quite yet.
Best of luck to you, Kara. Keep me posted on how things turn out.
Subject: help! I need info on my b/f Jack Farrel
From: Lindsy Bitellicelo
I have a problem, my name is Lindsy and I’m a supermodel from Dubai UAE. I’m infatuated by my boyfriend, he’s the love of my life and my dream man and he’s everything to me, but I’m really worried because I think he’s a spook!
I think he’s CIA because one time I seen a CIA badge in his gym bag and a folder with some weird government looking stamps on it and it had some type of seal on it so I didnt want to open it. I’m a pretty snoopy person and I’m usually carefull about it, so I don’t think he knows that I seen that ID or anything, he also see him disappear randomly at various times and I don’t know if he’s cheating on me or doing something with CIA?! He left me because I did something to upset him a few years back and he completely disappeared, but then out of the blue almost like from the sky, he appeared again, and I accepted him of course because I love him forever, but I’m worried now, and even though he tells me his name and shows me an ID it’s not the name that was on his CIA badge that I seen, I’m afraid to talk to him about it because he says he was in the army and honorably discharged, and works now at some IT company doing computer stuff.
I don’t know what to do, and I’m a little worried. He’s always busy with work and when I see him on the computer he’s always doing stuff that I never understand, also one time I seen something that said CIA on it in his computer but I couldn’t open it! What should I do? How do I know if he’s cheating on me. I try asking him about his past and I know he goes to Africa and lived in Africa allot in the past because he showed me pictures and things of him in Africa. Everything seems like he’s a “spook” because he kind of just entered my life when I was in Dubai, and he has some really insane driving skills, one time I was riding with him after he had taken some alcohol and he spun the car around on the open highway and started driving backwards, then rotated back, he said that he learned how to drive in Africa, but now I’m not so sure!!!
His name is “Jack Farrel” or JackFarrel He has said Jack Andrew Farrel but he never lets me look at his drivers license long enough to see it, and I can’t find anything with his middle name.
Oh ya, and another thing that is really weird, is that he has grown his hair out really long which is really sexy, but he used to have short hair, and no beard… maybe he’s trying to use a disguise??? Oh and he’s also very patriotic and loves his country, he always solutes when he hears of a soldier or soldiers dying. Please help me because I don’t know if he could be dangerous or if he really loves me, maybe he’s pretending or maybe he doesn’t even know? I’m so upset by this and I don’t know how to confront him about it or if it’s even a good ideal to confront him about it.
Let me ask you a question, Lindsy… Does the thought of dating a CIA agent turn you on? When you think of this Jack Farrel zipping around Africa, interrogating evildoers and engineering revolutions, do you feel a little tingly in your girly parts? If so, I highly suggest that you stop reading right here and continue living your life.
Otherwise, read on…
Lyndsy, are you fucking retarded? Do you seriously think you might be dating a CIA agent because you saw a CIA badge in his gym bag and something on his computer said CIA? Trust me, if this guy is indeed a CIA agent, he’s the dumbest CIA agent around, because apparently a supermodel was able to decipher his secret.
Trust me, Lyndsy, you’re not dating a CIA agent. If he was, I’m guessing that you wouldn’t know it. The guy you’re dating is a normal, boring loser who, like pretty much every other guy on the planet, wishes that he was cooler and more important than he actually is. Luckily, as long as there are simple-minded girls willing to fulfill the sultry Bond Girl portion of his secret agent fantasy, then he can live with being a regular schlub.
Do you a question that only an expert in the field of dating/relationships can answer? Ask it here. Don’t worry… anything marked “private” won’t be reprinted here. Actual pictures of your privates, however, will be shown to all of my friends and any number of random people at the local bar.